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[Tue Jun 01, 2010 at 8:52pm] |
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mood |
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The thing about waitressing is, it's a non taxing career. It's one of those careers where I can think about everything else going on in my life while I serve people overpriced coffee and tea. I think about how my flat needs cleaning. It honestly does, there are clothes and little bits of fabric everywhere. Or I think about how I'm meeting my brother tonight for drinks, which means getting drunk on cheap wine, and listening to all the punk records he's collecting. I can't tell if I go home angry because of the music, in which we've been jumping around for the few hours. Or angry because when you ask me over for drinks, eating cheap cake and drinking wine that really just tastes like grape juice gone bad doesn't cut it. Though a buzz is just that, a it's a buzz. Sometimes I think about how I realised I haven't gone shopping for food in weeks, and I keep taking food home from the cafe. A girl can only eat so many sandwiches before she realises, you can eat anything between slices of bread, and it pretty much tastes good. You just get bored of it.
Boredom is this common theme of my life. I feel very bored in my allotment in life. Maybe I should have asked, or rather demanded more. I could have done anything according to my mother, but she has to say that. It's practically in the mother's handbook. But still, maybe I could have done something with my time that actually seems to make a bit of difference in this world. Would the world notice if a random waitress just disappeared? Maybe if I were a healer, or took the entry level position in the Ministry like my parents begged me too, I would feel so much more accomplished in what I've been doing with my time. It's frustrating and maddening to not really know what you want to do. Nick knew he wanted to be an artist from the time he was like, five years old. And Gabi, who, let's face it, has always been so on top of her own life. She's never wavered on what she's wanted to do. And she gets to do that thing in Paris. Which makes it extra special.
I remember the days when you felt excited about things. It's such a weird thing to me to get up and just sigh. I think it's time that I start looking for purpose. God forbid I be one of those sad middle aged people who feel useless. It's so unfortunate.
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[Wed May 12, 2010 at 8:46pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
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There is something utterly liberating about not knowing what you want to do with the rest of your life. Of this mystery of what your next move is, you're floating. Who said floating is bad? Besides your parents, your professors, and the other sorts of responsible adults in your life. Otherwise, most people would find it to be a highly desirable occupation.
I'm saving my tips, and yes, even with my oh so sunny disposition I find myself with tips, for my own flat. My brother Nick has offered to allow me to stay with him. But as much as I love him, and I do. my brother is my best friend. I do not think we can share the same residence without our parents to play Switzerland. The arguments will turn one sided, and Nick can persuade me to do anything. My skills of persuasion are wasted on my family members, seeing as they would probably be quite illegal.
I think it's safe to say I'm a person who would rather be doing something, really anything, than working a menial job at a cafe. Life would be so simple of we didn't need to work. What a wonderful thought. Of having all that free time to do with whatever you wish with. I can work on my own little projects. I feel sometimes I just don't have the drive to want for much better than I have right now. Maybe it's just better to live for the moment, and see what happens from there. Why make plans? Things seem to go much smoother when you don't expect much.
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